Living in Harmony

It’s been two years since my boyfriend and I moved in together. I remember writing about it just as we were packing up getting ready to consolidate our households (“Creating Space” April 2006) and really, so far, so good. We love our Ukrainian Village apartment. The place felt like home from the get-go. The kitties have never been happier; they are so thrilled with their new surroundings, adopting different rooms during different times of the day (and year). They like the light on a summer morning from my office, looking out the window from atop of the pedal steel guitar in the spring and fall, sleeping on the radiator cover in the Living Room during the winter (even made them pillows). And as always, the relationships in my life continue to teach me lessons I may or may not really feel like learning but always end up grateful for having done so.

I used to work from home a lot. There were times that I hadn’t talked to anyone the entire day. So of course when my boyfriend walked in the door I went a mile a minute on whatever was on my mind. He on the other hand had just endured a 45 – 90 minute commute and needed some quiet down time. It seems simple enough but it’s hard to see what you’re doing right at the moment. So, after I could tell something was amiss, I stepped back and asked myself, “What would you like to feel when you walk in the door to your home?” I’d like to feel peaceful and have a home that welcomes me. So I posed the question to him. Because here’s the point: Having a point of reference is a good place to start a conversation (“You know, I was thinking, if I came home after a long commute I’d like a little peace. Is that something you’d like, too?”), but it’s not enough. You then have to find out what feeling peaceful means to the other person - doesn’t matter what it is, or even if you understand it. As long as it’s not something that requires you to compromise your core beliefs or sense of self all that matters is giving to your partner what is meaningful to them. Treating your partner the way you’d like to be treated is good when it comes to generalities: respectfully, kindly, lovingly, etc. but not when it comes to specifics. When it comes to specifics it’s very personal.

For example, when I’m upset about something with work or life, I need to feel comforted and listened to and talk through my feelings. When my partner is upset he needs to have some alone time playing his guitar or practicing his martial arts before he wants to bring it up. Two different approaches, both effective. I don’t get wanting to be alone from the beginning, if you told me to play my guitar or take a yoga class first, that wouldn’t work for me. That would be great for me after but not before. But I don’t have to get it. I just have to get him.

So I ask you, are you treating your partner the way you want to be treated specifically or generally? Do you know what your partner needs in certain situations? What situation seems to consistently cause stress that you could approach differently? The smallest adjustments can create some wonderful harmony.

I find it an excellent sign that our relationship has actually gotten easier every year we’ve been together. And I don’t need to understand why. Sometimes gratitude is more than enough.