Limiting Beliefs: What's Your Story?
I’ve been talking to a friend of mine who is in this toxic relationship but feels unable to do anything about it. His partner constantly berates him, tells him how worthless he is and that his only chance of happiness is to step up, follow-through with their relationship and be with her.
I know this person rather well. He is very inconsistent, will tell someone he loves them and wants to be with them and then weeks later change his mind. Or perhaps he wasn’t so sure of his feelings when he was speaking them in the first place, but at the moment it seemed like the best thing to say, more than likely to avoid a conflict. Cowardly? Sure. Worthless? No.
I get how he frustrates people. He’s frustrated me. But that doesn’t mean that he deserves to be punished by having to follow-through in a toxic relationship just because he once said he wanted it. No rings were exchanged, and no vows before witnesses were made. If you’re on the receiving end of his “live life in the very moment” approach its confusing, unnerving and can just down-right make you angry. But this person he’s with knows how to push his buttons and is exploiting his weakness and essentially holding him hostage. And he’s letting her. When I ask him why he’s still with her he says he doesn’t know.
I had a similar situation once. I was in an unhealthy relationship but much as I wanted to I couldn’t get myself to break it off. I tried. I would gear myself up for the conversation and then once I started it I’d start to go into a panic. It made no sense to me. I have always been a strong, independent woman. I’ve broken up with people before but this, this was different. I couldn’t do it. I felt like my life depended on staying with this person. So I did. Logically I knew I had to leave. I wasn’t even in love with this man. But something was holding me back, something that defied logic and common sense, something that weakened me to my core.
What I happened upon was “regression therapy” (a form of hypnotherapy). My friend had been using it to help her with some of her issues and so we tried it together. What it did was open up a story that I had held onto since childhood.
When I was a little girl my mother would always tell my sister and me: “Don’t let your father leave you alone in the car because something bad might happen.” Considering it was the 70’s in Seattle and that my sister was five years older than me so she was talking to a 7 and 12 year-old it’s clear she was being overprotective. But we listened to our mother. One day we were out running errands with my father and he had to run up to his office to pick up some papers. He told us to wait in the station wagon. My sister and I freaked out. “No, Daddy, NO, we can’t wait in the car,” we begged. “Look, I’m going to be in there for five minutes, just lock the doors and wait here, I’ll be right back,” he replied. But we wouldn’t have it. He couldn’t understand why we were being so unreasonable and in the end left us to wait for him. My sister and I were so scared we hid in the back seat on the floor and covered ourselves with our father’s overcoat. Of course we did such a good job hiding that when he came down a couple of minutes later and didn’t see us in the car he panicked and went off looking for us. After about 20 minutes or so my sister and I were terrified. He finally returned to the car to find us crying and although he didn’t yell at us, he was really upset. I can’t speak for my sister, but the whole time I was waiting I thought I was going to get kidnapped and killed. I really did. I thought I was going to die. And that is what I felt every time I tried to break up with my boyfriend. That I was literally going to die.
I realized this had a lot to do with my mother’s fear for our safety and my willingness to hold onto it. I also connected the fact that while I was this my boyfriend my father had died so somehow, someway I had substituted him as the male I needed to keep me physically safe. Once I uncovered the limiting belief, letting go of the story came almost instantly and the next day we broke up. It was an incredible relief. I would have never put those two situations together but that childhood trauma was what was running my life. So strange how our minds work.
Which leaves me to wonder how many other people are walking around with a story, a limiting belief that keeps them hooked in a relationship, a job, a behavior, a perception about themselves that defies their logic and common sense? Doing the regression later peaked my interest in studying hypnotherapy. And after talking to my friend, I feel I’m coming to the conclusion that in addition to helping people quit smoking that this is the area I want to concentrate in with my clients. It’s such a debilitating place to be, feeling paralyzed by a silent story. The frustration and anger I held onto only to have it relieved in an instant. The rest of the usual pains of breaking up weren’t avoided. I went through them and in doing so learned a lot about myself. I can’t help but think sometimes that if I had found this method earlier I could have wasted less years in a relationship I knew I didn’t want to be involved in; I could have started healing so much faster. But mostly, I’m grateful for the years I saved by finding it at all.
I know this person rather well. He is very inconsistent, will tell someone he loves them and wants to be with them and then weeks later change his mind. Or perhaps he wasn’t so sure of his feelings when he was speaking them in the first place, but at the moment it seemed like the best thing to say, more than likely to avoid a conflict. Cowardly? Sure. Worthless? No.
I get how he frustrates people. He’s frustrated me. But that doesn’t mean that he deserves to be punished by having to follow-through in a toxic relationship just because he once said he wanted it. No rings were exchanged, and no vows before witnesses were made. If you’re on the receiving end of his “live life in the very moment” approach its confusing, unnerving and can just down-right make you angry. But this person he’s with knows how to push his buttons and is exploiting his weakness and essentially holding him hostage. And he’s letting her. When I ask him why he’s still with her he says he doesn’t know.
I had a similar situation once. I was in an unhealthy relationship but much as I wanted to I couldn’t get myself to break it off. I tried. I would gear myself up for the conversation and then once I started it I’d start to go into a panic. It made no sense to me. I have always been a strong, independent woman. I’ve broken up with people before but this, this was different. I couldn’t do it. I felt like my life depended on staying with this person. So I did. Logically I knew I had to leave. I wasn’t even in love with this man. But something was holding me back, something that defied logic and common sense, something that weakened me to my core.
What I happened upon was “regression therapy” (a form of hypnotherapy). My friend had been using it to help her with some of her issues and so we tried it together. What it did was open up a story that I had held onto since childhood.
When I was a little girl my mother would always tell my sister and me: “Don’t let your father leave you alone in the car because something bad might happen.” Considering it was the 70’s in Seattle and that my sister was five years older than me so she was talking to a 7 and 12 year-old it’s clear she was being overprotective. But we listened to our mother. One day we were out running errands with my father and he had to run up to his office to pick up some papers. He told us to wait in the station wagon. My sister and I freaked out. “No, Daddy, NO, we can’t wait in the car,” we begged. “Look, I’m going to be in there for five minutes, just lock the doors and wait here, I’ll be right back,” he replied. But we wouldn’t have it. He couldn’t understand why we were being so unreasonable and in the end left us to wait for him. My sister and I were so scared we hid in the back seat on the floor and covered ourselves with our father’s overcoat. Of course we did such a good job hiding that when he came down a couple of minutes later and didn’t see us in the car he panicked and went off looking for us. After about 20 minutes or so my sister and I were terrified. He finally returned to the car to find us crying and although he didn’t yell at us, he was really upset. I can’t speak for my sister, but the whole time I was waiting I thought I was going to get kidnapped and killed. I really did. I thought I was going to die. And that is what I felt every time I tried to break up with my boyfriend. That I was literally going to die.
I realized this had a lot to do with my mother’s fear for our safety and my willingness to hold onto it. I also connected the fact that while I was this my boyfriend my father had died so somehow, someway I had substituted him as the male I needed to keep me physically safe. Once I uncovered the limiting belief, letting go of the story came almost instantly and the next day we broke up. It was an incredible relief. I would have never put those two situations together but that childhood trauma was what was running my life. So strange how our minds work.
Which leaves me to wonder how many other people are walking around with a story, a limiting belief that keeps them hooked in a relationship, a job, a behavior, a perception about themselves that defies their logic and common sense? Doing the regression later peaked my interest in studying hypnotherapy. And after talking to my friend, I feel I’m coming to the conclusion that in addition to helping people quit smoking that this is the area I want to concentrate in with my clients. It’s such a debilitating place to be, feeling paralyzed by a silent story. The frustration and anger I held onto only to have it relieved in an instant. The rest of the usual pains of breaking up weren’t avoided. I went through them and in doing so learned a lot about myself. I can’t help but think sometimes that if I had found this method earlier I could have wasted less years in a relationship I knew I didn’t want to be involved in; I could have started healing so much faster. But mostly, I’m grateful for the years I saved by finding it at all.
posted by Christa Ojeda @ 10:08 AM
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