June is Negative-free Month
Not sure why, but on June 2nd I woke up and decided that I wasn't going to be negative this month, which meant no negative thoughts, words or deeds - not towards me or others. I can be so sure of myself that I didn't say that I'd try to do this, but that I was going to do this. In an almost "La-la-la, I'm not going to be negative in the month of June" sort of way. Pardon my bluntness, but this not being negative has been kicking my ass!
Let me preface this with the fact that I consider myself a fairly optimistic person. I don't like to wallow in self-pity or see the glass as half-empty. I've actually had $100 stolen at a hotel once and decided that although inconvenient and unfair, that the $100 wasn't going to make or break me and perhaps the person that took it needed it to pay rent or buy food. Truly. And I'm no Pollyanna either. I just really try to stay positive when I can.
I've been realizing, though that staying positive and not being negative are not necessarily one and the same, but more like two steps to a process. And as much as I thought that I'm a glass half-full kinda girl, this exercise has really helped me realized how often that isn't true.
The first couple of days I was met with tremendous amounts of hostility. Not aimed at me, just around me. There was a crazy person at the back of the bus one afternoon that kept screaming obscenities at a person at the front of the bus. And by crazy, I mean probably mentally imbalanced. This passenger apparently believed that a young Hispanic couple with their two children had underpaid their fare. So as she made her way to a seat in front of me, she was shouting: "Why did you only pay ONE fare. You F-ING JERK. You think you only have to pay ONE fare? I have friends. A TIGHT CIRCLE OF FRIENDS of all races but they're f-ing LEGAL. I bet you're not F-ING LEGAL. Get off the f-ing bus and go back to your COUNTY you F-ING JERK!". If you'd seen her walking down the street, the woman, about in her 50's looked perfectly normal. But on the bus you quickly got the whiff that this wasn't just an upset traveler. In between her ranting she devoured a small bag of Ruffles (making sure to pour the crumbs into her mouth) and drank from a 2-liter of Coke. After about 5 minutes she finally calmed down, grumbled to herself and then proceeded to quickly dart and grab scraps of paper she found on the floor, read them and then either throw them back on the ground or put them in one of her 3 black tote bags. Gotta love the city. And here it was. I asked to release negativity and the universe obliged by showing me its ugly head.
Early on I also realized that "not being negative" wasn't going to happen. The exercise, at least so far, seems to really be more about recognizing when I'm being negative and then releasing it somehow, such as in the form of acknowledgement coupled with an apology. My boyfriend has been hearing a lot of apologies. So have I. And the emotions that have been coming up have been amazing. Feelings of sadness and anger that I thought I had gotten rid of long ago. What an opportunity to become aware to what I still carry in me. And I've so been tested these past two weeks with situations I would normally worry about that I've had to let go. It's been hard, but very, very cool.
In the meantime, I go with the flow, try not to over think it and let my intentions be my guide (sounds a bit like a Sting song, doesn't it?). I had no idea when I woke up that Friday that this exercise was going to show me so much. And it's only the 16th!
Let me preface this with the fact that I consider myself a fairly optimistic person. I don't like to wallow in self-pity or see the glass as half-empty. I've actually had $100 stolen at a hotel once and decided that although inconvenient and unfair, that the $100 wasn't going to make or break me and perhaps the person that took it needed it to pay rent or buy food. Truly. And I'm no Pollyanna either. I just really try to stay positive when I can.
I've been realizing, though that staying positive and not being negative are not necessarily one and the same, but more like two steps to a process. And as much as I thought that I'm a glass half-full kinda girl, this exercise has really helped me realized how often that isn't true.
The first couple of days I was met with tremendous amounts of hostility. Not aimed at me, just around me. There was a crazy person at the back of the bus one afternoon that kept screaming obscenities at a person at the front of the bus. And by crazy, I mean probably mentally imbalanced. This passenger apparently believed that a young Hispanic couple with their two children had underpaid their fare. So as she made her way to a seat in front of me, she was shouting: "Why did you only pay ONE fare. You F-ING JERK. You think you only have to pay ONE fare? I have friends. A TIGHT CIRCLE OF FRIENDS of all races but they're f-ing LEGAL. I bet you're not F-ING LEGAL. Get off the f-ing bus and go back to your COUNTY you F-ING JERK!". If you'd seen her walking down the street, the woman, about in her 50's looked perfectly normal. But on the bus you quickly got the whiff that this wasn't just an upset traveler. In between her ranting she devoured a small bag of Ruffles (making sure to pour the crumbs into her mouth) and drank from a 2-liter of Coke. After about 5 minutes she finally calmed down, grumbled to herself and then proceeded to quickly dart and grab scraps of paper she found on the floor, read them and then either throw them back on the ground or put them in one of her 3 black tote bags. Gotta love the city. And here it was. I asked to release negativity and the universe obliged by showing me its ugly head.
Early on I also realized that "not being negative" wasn't going to happen. The exercise, at least so far, seems to really be more about recognizing when I'm being negative and then releasing it somehow, such as in the form of acknowledgement coupled with an apology. My boyfriend has been hearing a lot of apologies. So have I. And the emotions that have been coming up have been amazing. Feelings of sadness and anger that I thought I had gotten rid of long ago. What an opportunity to become aware to what I still carry in me. And I've so been tested these past two weeks with situations I would normally worry about that I've had to let go. It's been hard, but very, very cool.
In the meantime, I go with the flow, try not to over think it and let my intentions be my guide (sounds a bit like a Sting song, doesn't it?). I had no idea when I woke up that Friday that this exercise was going to show me so much. And it's only the 16th!
posted by Christa Ojeda @ 1:47 PM
2 comments
2 Comments:
Is that So?
Wow! What an experience on the bus. That is nuts. When I lived in Chicago it was really hard on me sometimes...I was scared of what I would see on the bus, the train and the streets each day. There was one day when I walked crying or maybe two days crying that I can remember because people were either cruel to me or others. Good luck and you've inspired me to make an effort too!
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